I was inspired to write this piece following my Mothers Circle on Sunday. We were sharing some of the challenges we had faced over the previous week, which led to some reflections about motherhood generally and the importance of the postpartum period. I won’t share the specifics as that stays between those in the circle but, not for the first time, a light was shone on the fact that what we experienced in the postpartum period was a huge surprise, and that, in part, is because we just don’t talk about it.
In fact in the 8 years I’ve been working with Women through pregnancy I’ve rarely seen postpartum get a mention. In the Birth Groups and with the women who came to my prenatal yoga classes there was a lot of chat about pregnancy care and plans for the birth, but little said about what came next. Amongst my own ‘Mum Friends’ after my first was born, in the early days, rarely did we focus on how each other were. Not really. It was all about how our babies was doing, occasionally notes were compared about feeding or sleeping, the focus was certainly not on how WE were doing - the new mums. To be honest, many of us were just holding it together ourselves. We probably didn’t have the capacity to take on anybody else’s stuff, so best not open the flood gates huh?!? (though in reality there’s so much healing and nourishment we can get from both sharing our struggles and from listening deeply to others).
Of course, there was the odd occasion someone broke the silence about how hard they were finding it, but often that came with shame. “Why am I the only one finding this hard? I must be a failure!!!”. I know I experienced this. As I’ve shared before, those first few weeks were a real struggle. Even though I had a good friend living with me and my Husband at the time, both my Husband and my friend were at work through the day, and did those days feel loooong!!! Hours stretching ahead of just me and our precious bundle, trying to get through the day. It was hard and at times I felt so alone.
My reality in the early days with two young children living in hilly Wellington NZ
So I can only imagine how hard it’s been for new mothers over this past year with various levels of lockdown, with rules about leaving the house, or the suburb, rules about contact with other people, and the anxiety and fear that may have been present in such an environment, even when the rules were relaxed. It’s been a tough time. My heart goes out to anyone who has been struggling through this time, but especially to those navigating their Matrescence - the process of becoming a mother. It’s one of the reasons I started my free online mothers circles earlier in the year….to offer a space where Women could be heard.
If I’m looking for the silver lining in the very big grey cloud that has been 2020, then it would have to be that the postpartum time is starting to come in to focus a little more. Women are starting to look at the support they might need, support that was already woefully inadequate before lockdowns, but that hit absolute crisis point as a result of the measures put in place around Covid. For many new mothers, the postpartum period wasn’t all rosy prior to this year, many Women already felt they couldn’t justify or weren’t worthy of the support they truly needed (you can read my blog “Are you worth it?” for more on that https://www.blissfulmothers.com.au/blog/2018/8/2/are-you-worth-it.) Sadly, are a result of the fall out of Covid, for many postpartum care became even further out of reach, especially for those without family either close enough, capable and willing to provide nurturing care to the new Mama, or for those who are struggling financially.
So HOW do we ensure new mothers have the support they need? and when I say new mothers I don’t only mean first time mums. Each time we give birth is a new postpartum experience, a fresh transition in to a new space of mothering, a transition for our way of being as a human, as a woman as well as as a mother. For me there are a number of issues that feed in to this.
One factor is knowing what kind of support would be useful and available. I’ve written a little about this before here https://www.blissfulmothers.com.au/blog/2018/7/27/dont-wait-until-you-are-thirsty-to-dig-the-well-planning-for-postpartum and here https://www.blissfulmothers.com.au/blog/2020/7/13/i-had-too-much-postpartum-support-said-no-mother-ever. But for that to be helpful, we need to UNDERSTAND and ACCEPT that we need support in the first place, and we need to ALLOW ourselves to call in the support that we need. It may sound straight forward on paper but in reality it’s anything but.
We are brought up in a culture focused on becoming independent, self sufficient. For example, in some cultures it’s not unusual for families across multiple generations to be living together, but in our culture judgements are so often made about people who don’t move out of home in their late teens/early twenties. Similarly there’s a stigma about ‘needing to move back in with your parents’ once you’ve left. Asking for help is usually considered a sign of weakness - it’s certainly not considered a strength. These cultural norms, and many more, play out throughout our lives and inform the choices we make on a day to day basis. People are struggling (unnecessarily) because there is shame around ‘dependence’ and asking for help. We seem to have completely forgotten that the entire universe thrives on INTERDEPEDENCE, that we are part of this system, and as such are interdependent beings! We suffer because of this false idea we are brought up with around needing to be independent, and never so acutely than when we are going through times of change. What does this have to do with the postpartum period? Becoming a Mother is one of the biggest changes we will face in our lives. Everyones journey is different, for sure, and there are other life challenges, but being a Mother will test us to our core.
AND YET WE DON”T TALK ABOUT IT!!!! I often hear women say ‘you can’t understand the enormity of the role until you are in it’ and that is true. It is also true that people only hear what they want to, and are ready to hear. What is ALSO true is that we don’t talk about it enough. That needs to change. Our silence on the subject doesn’t help anyone, quite the opposite. The more we normalise talking about both the challenges of postpartum and abundant support for new mothers, the more new mothers will thrive. We need to be prepared to talk about our postpartum experiences, and not filter it so that we only hear about the ‘good’ stuff. We also need to find a language to share the challenges that are to be faced without doing it in the style of horror stories and inducing fear. That doesn’t help anyone. I’ll be thinking more about how I can play my part in this blog space moving forward. In the past I’ve shared a bit about my experience here: https://www.blissfulmothers.com.au/blog/2018/9/10/that-light-bulb-moment
I’d love to hear your experiences or reflections in the comments. Perhaps if you know someone preparing for this transition in to motherhood I’d love for you to share this piece with them.
If you are currently pregnant and looking for ways to prepare for your postpartum, I offer private and small group Postpartum Preparation sessions as well as my ‘Knowing Yourself in Birth’ Birth Preparation sessions. I also offer ‘in home’ postpartum support once your baby arrives. If you resonate with my words and are interested in working with me as you prepare for your own rite of passage in to Motherhood then please get in touch for a commitment free discovery call.
Until next time
Anne xx